Why Can't I Do This?

A little over ten years ago, I embarked on my first serious weight loss effort. I was 29, going on 30, I had started working a full time desk job 2 years before and the weight slowly started creeping on. I think I managed to lose 8 pounds which was not a lot, but it was enough for people to notice a difference. Then I started planning my wedding. Then I got married. Then we bought a house and moved. And I gained the weight back.

I started calorie counting, I joined a gym which I could conveniently get to on my lunch break from work. I didn't manage to lose any pounds that time, but I seemed to be at least maintaining.

During that time I developed some good habits - regular exercise, meal planning, not keeping to much in the way of junky snack foods around the house, no snacking after dinner. But over the years since then, some serious backsliding has been going on. I still exercise fairly regularly - maybe not as much as I should but for the most part I feel pretty good about my exercise habits.

The diet part on the other hand...

I just don't seem able to maintain any consistency. There is too much food in the house. I can't stick to a plan for more that 2 or 3 weeks at a time. I can't figure out if it's lack of motivation? Or not the right kind of motivation? I do know that any time I have to get ready to go out anywhere socially, there's a good chance I will end up standing in the bedroom with clothes strewn all over the place, ready to break down in tears. I know that I don't feel good at the size I am now. Pictures of myself make me cringe. So why can't I do anything about it?

I can talk the talk about chosing healthy options, watching portion sizes, yada, yada, yada...but I can't seem to walk the talk, as the saying goes.

You may recall that at the beginning of August I told Husband I wanted to try and make some changes and he agreed to go along with my plan. I remember the first two weeks going so well. It was easy and I thought I can do this. By the end of the third week I was down 3 pounds. I was so encouraged.

And then...Can you guess where this is going?

Exhibit A
Instead of Husband asking "what are the meal plans for this week?" he said "I looked in the freezer and we have a,b,c so I think we should plan d,e,f for meals this week." I thought: well, okay, that makes sense, I can work with that this week. Problem is, he kept doing that every week. Next thing I know, we're back to exactly the way we were eating before.

I'm not trying to blame my husband here. He kept catching me off guard, and it's not like he was making unreasonable suggestions. But it was basically taking away the 'diet safety net' I was trying to create for myself and I need to learn to handle this stuff.

Exhibit B
The company I work for started stocking the kitchen with snacks and beverages. Some healthy, some not. Bins of potato chips and chocolate bars. Just what I need. For the first few weeks I was able to resist. I peeked at the chocolate bars a few times, decided there was nothing there I really wanted, and walked away. Yay me! Then I started having one chocolate bar a week, usually on Monday. One a week, I could live with that. Then they started stocking the bins with those little Halloween sized bars. And I started eating 3 of them every day. Every day I would go in to work telling myself I was going to stay out of the chocolate. And every day for two weeks I would end up eating a handful of chocolate bars.

One weekend I decided that  was it; I was done. And somehow, for the next two weeks I had no problem staying away. Okay, this is good, I've got this...Until suddenly one day I'm back into the treats and then it's every day again. Then I will very likely go home and munch on things that I don't need to eat. And end up feeling crappy.

So why? What is it that makes me able to go for 2 or 3 weeks, eating nutritious foods, feeling satisfied, ending the day around the right number of calories, feeling like it's effortless, noticing how good I feel when I am eating properly...Only to swing around to the opposite end of the spectrum where I can't seem to stop eating? Why is it that sometimes I can't seem to make myself care?

My Computer Programmer/Analyst brain tells me to gather data and look for patterns. Seems like the logical thing to do, but at the same time I wonder if making more work for myself is the way to go?
But, I don't have any other ideas at the moment,  so I think that's what I should try to do.

So, that's where I'm at these days.

Also, I think I broke my husband. I've been making salads for husband to have with his lunches at work. His building was evacuated due to plumbing problems today around lunch time. On his way home he hit the Wendy's drive thru. After work when I asked how he'd enjoyed his Wendy's for lunch, he said he enjoyed his salad more. I don't know what to think; doppleganger maybe?