The Year of 50: January

That title is just because I can't think of how to start. But I do turn 50 this year. And it did somewhat shape how I started out the year. Good intentions as usual. Cue immediate crash and burn.

The reality is, I've having a tough time, and it's pretty much to do with my job. One aspect of my life, sure, but it spills over and affects everything else.

I haven't exactly loved my job for a while now. It's been going downhill. I could never quite put my finger on an explanation. And no one can help if you can't explain the problem.

Anyway, to make matters worse, my job has changed a few times over the past 3 years. Teams got switched around. And around. I move to a new team. Then that new team gets moved to a completely different group, and a brand new project. And, I thought then, maybe this is good. I wasn't happy, but I'm also not good at being proactive. I don't often deliberately choose new directions in my life; I've mostly just followed along the path, and went where it led me. So I probably would not have gone after a change myself.

It was overwhelming. Completely not what I expected. Huge, terms of the number of people. So many new things to learn. I'm not so good with new things. But I keep trying to tell myself that it's good, I should take advantage, I can do it.

In terms of capability, I probably can. I can learn stuff. I've done it before. But I am fighting with myself the whole way.

I had a couple of weeks off, end of December, and spent some time thinking things over. And what came to me is that I'm tired of it all.

That is the problem I was having before; sitting down to my tasks and thinking "I don't want to do this." But then I at least had the background knowledge. I knew the environment, I had an investment in the work, and I cared about it - or at least some of it.

Now, there is so much. I don't have that connection. And everything just makes me tired. Sitting down, looking a every new task just makes me feel tired. Just the idea of it. I just feel so done with it.

And I don't know if that means this specific job, with this company. If I could get a new job, would I feel different?

And does it really matter? I still have to work. This is the training and experience I have.  So what does one do?

Cue me, chasing myself around in circles.

I am exhausted right now. Probably a little depressed. Winter is never my best time of year, let's face it, so maybe things will start looking up as we get closer to spring? The days are already starting to get longer, though here we still have lots of cold weather to look forward to. May is usually when I really start feeling good.

Anyway, all of this nattering on solves nothing. I can hope that writing stuff down will help get some of it out of my system? But I don't know what the solution is. Possibly some extended time off. I do have that option, though it would be without pay, and Husband is not too keen on that idea. Go figure. At the very least, I should start making myself do things that might help with stress, but I don't have the energy.

I feel very stuck, and I feel like I am getting in my own way at this point. I'm tired and I don't know how to fix it.