I'm Not Okay

I did indeed finish my last week of Chalene Extreme on time. I really wanted to get in that last workout by the end of October because on Nov 1 we were going away for 5 days, and I just didn't want that one last workout hanging over my head.

I scheduled those workouts, and did them on the day that was scheduled, and I finish the final one on Sunday, Oct. 30.

The weekend was busy with trying to get ready for our trip - last minute errands, laundry, getting things ready for the cat sitters.

Monday, Oct 31 I got up earlier than I wanted, because Zappa seemed to think I should get up and feed him. It was good though, had things to do. Had a good morning; a little relaxation, working on getting packed, tried a new yoga workout, had cuddles with Zappa. After Zappa had his cuddles with me, he went over and jumped up on Husband's chair for cuddles from him. I remember thinking: What am I going to do when I lose him? And then a couple of hours later, he was gone.The vet thinks his heart just stopped.

And then we still had to get up early the next morning to catch the ferry. I didn't want to go, but Husband had an appointment in Halifax, and our families were expecting us for a visit. After the first day, it was maybe a bit easier being away; we were busy and distracted, and in a different place where I wasn't expecting to see Zappa.

Heading home was hard. I was bracing myself for it, and trying not to be too upset, because I know that's hard on Husband. I think I maybe bottled it up too tightly, and ended up feeling a bit remote at first, in a little bit of a daze. I was sad but it was like I didn't quite know what to do, or how to process it. It's starting to hit me now though.

You know how sometimes people say "Hi, how are you?" and you just automatically respond that you're good,  you're fine, you're okay....At least I do that a lot.

Yesterday at work a coworker actually asked "are you okay?" I thought I was doing keeping it together more or less, but the way she asked that question makes me think not. And what came out of my mouth was: "not really."
This morning I got really irritated with Husband over nothing, and then tears just started running down my face and I realized I'm not really okay right now. Turns out it's a relief to acknowledge that, even just to yourself.

I will be okay, eventually. But right now? I'm hurting and just trying to keep myself distracted as much as possible.

I haven't really been taking pictures lately. Not sure why exactly. I've been grieving Frank and I haven't had the heart for a lot of things, I think. And Zappa has always been a little harder to photograph; as soon as he knew you were looking at him, he'd come running, looking for attention. Most of the recent ones I do have are from my phone.

 October 22

Wishing for the rain to stop so he could go out and chase mice.

 October 29

Not really a good photo - I have not mastered the art of the selfie - but this was his favourite thing: to be picked up and carried around, resting on the left shoulder. I would stand/walk around the house until he was ready to get down, which could take a while. But he purred and snuggled and was happy as could be.

October 29

I bought a new cat fountain, had not set it up yet; was planning to do it the next time the old one needed to be cleaned. Cory and I had watched Zappa checking out the box before I opened it and chuckled about how fast he'd be in there once I opened it. Sure enough, I unpacked the new fountain on Saturday and the next thing I know he's in the new box looking really pleased with himself.

He had 14 good years. I know that his last days were happy. If it was going to happen, I'm glad it happened when we were there rather than a day later when he would have been all alone. 

But I miss him and I am not okay.

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday was not a good day. Today is only marginally better. Lots and lots of tears.

I will miss waking up in the morning to find Frank snuggled up by my feet. I will miss Frank rubbing his head against me in affection as I get cat food out of the cupboard; he was a big fan of meal time.

He often used to accompany me to the bathroom when it was time for me to get ready for bed at night. He would settle on the bath mat for belly rubs and pets. He actually liked to be covered with a towel; this would often lead to play time, but sometimes he would just sleep that way.

Sometimes he could be frustrating. I would be sitting in my chair in the living room and he would sit down by my chair and stare at me; I called it Frank face. He would lift up a paw and kind of wave it at me, which made us laugh; it was his way of saying I want you to get up and...Well, that tended to be the frustrating part; figuring out what he wanted. Sometimes I think he didn't know what he wanted either, other than for me to get up and follow him around.

I loved to pick him up and hold him because he was so large and solid, and yet so soft. It was comforting somehow.

He was a huge cat, and therefore had huge paws with appropriately large (and sharp!) claws, but he was gentle. He would wake me up by tapping my forehead with a paw. Much as I don't care to be woken in the middle of the night or early in the morning, it was still entertaining to see his face looking down and me, and this giant paw coming down on my forehead.

Fourteen years is a long time, and it feels like something is missing.

It helps that we still have Zappa, and  he has been extra snuggly. I am also more aware than ever that we have limited time left, but for now I'm trying to just enjoy the cuddles.

First & Last

The first photos  I ever posted of Frank (to the rear, and Zappa in front) on my blog. They would have been somewhere around 6 years old.

Frank loved to be outdoors.

Last photo of Frank on my camera, almost 14 years old. They've been enjoying the spring weather. I've been looking forward to summer and hanging out with them in the garden.

Good-bye, my friend. Thank you for giving us as many years as you were able. You will be missed.

Week 15: Frank Still Missing

It has not been a good week. If I start writing about it, I will write a whole bunch of sad stuff, so I won't. I'm  heartbroken.  I want my cat back. That about covers it.

Just in case someone out there is googling, and missed the ads on kijiji and Facebook:

Missing in Millidgeville, Saint John, NB

Light / silver grey / gray tabby - Maine Coon Mix - approx. 17 lbs

His name is Frank, he is usually a little wary of strangers but is a gentle, good natured cat

Please email candace@dragonrun.com

Week 14: Frank is Missing

Frank has been missing since Friday morning. Needless to say, it has not been a good weekend. Mostly I have been bawling, tramping through the woods, and watching a lot of TV because it keeps me distracted.

We have checked with the SPCA and reported him missing. I've posted an ad on kijiji which I shared on Facebook.

I know it is not unheard of for cats to go missing for several days and then come home. I just can't help thinking that if he was able to come home, he would have. Still, I can't stop staring out windows, checking the front step and the patio, looking for him to come trotting up the stairs.

Basically my heart is breaking and I'm not doing very well with anything else right now.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

We had absolutely fantastic weather last weekend – there was a bit of rain, but mostly it was sunny! And warm! I like warm. :)

It turned cold on Sunday night, and it stayed chilly until today which was another warm and sunny one. I was pretty tired when I got home from work today, but I couldn’t resist going outside for a few minutes.

So I exchanged my St. Paddy’s Day green leather boots…

 

For my Smurf Blue rubber garden boots…

And made my way out to the yard.

There’s still snow in spots, but it’s melting causing the usual swamp effect at the bottom of the yard. Happens every year in the spring.

 

Spring! Did I really say spring? Maybe it’s not quite here, but when it starts to get all warm and sunny I want to soak up as much as I can. So do the Fabulous Felines; they really didn’t spend much time outside over the winter, but now they are wanting to go out. Even if they have to head to high ground to keep their feet dry.

I definitely saw some paw shaking today. Poor guys. I bet that snow melt is cold.

But hang on guys. Spring is definitely coming. So say the Snow Drops.

  

 

I confess, recently I have been going back and visiting the early posts from last year’s garden blog. I needed to see colorful pictures of sunny days and growing things. It helped. Right now I’m just hoping that the warm weather is here to stay. We’ve had quite an intense winter and I’m ready for it to be done.

In case anyone is wondering about the fitness & diet stuff – things have been up and down. I’ve been really busy and feeling overwhelmed a lot of time time. I had a couple weeks of headaches and stiff neck, so I’ve been trying to take things easy and do the best I can (also why there hasn’t been much blogging going on). I’m hanging in. That’s about all I can say.

The Hormone Diet

I hear the ground hog saw his shadow, but we’re still seeing an awful lot of winter in these parts.

We’re trying to put on a brave face, but dude; there’s a lot of snow out there.

When the sun shines, it looks pretty.

But somehow the living room looks more inviting.

 

Okay, now that’s out of the way…The Hormone Diet.

This is going to be short because it’s been a busy weekend and it’s getting late and Dr. Turner (author of The Hormone Diet) says I should go to bed at 11:00.

Dr. Turner covers almost everything – diet, exercise, stress management, sleep, skin care and sex (she says you should have it). The idea being that if your hormones are out of whack, getting them back in balance will help you to lose weight, not to mention potentially improving other health issues you may have.

In theory, I like this whole mind-body-life approach. It makes sense – you want your body to be performing optimally so that it can do all the things it needs to do, including burning fat and building muscle.

That said, the diet is pretty strict. I’ll be honest, I looked at it and thought: This is not a diet I could be happy following.  But. I’m going to give it a try.

Husband’s parents visited us last summer on their way to and from Ottawa. Mother-In-Law talked about this diet quite a bit, and this was the first I’d heard of it. She and Father-In-Law had been following it for a while and having great success. To paraphrase, MIL had tried many other ways to lose weight and this was the first one that worked for her; she was not having cravings, she felt satisfied with what she was eating and the pounds were coming off.

A pretty good recommendation as far as I’m concerned. Also? MIL is a nurse.

However, I still held off because it sounded way too complicated and strict. But it stayed there in the back of my mind. Husband has been saying more and more that he needs to do something to lose weight. To look at them, Husband and MIL have very similar body types. I thought that maybe we should give this a go.

So I bought the book.

I still think it looks complicated and hard to follow.

But I feel like I should give it a shot.

I really should be starting off with a two week detox, but I don’t feel quite ready for that. Also, based on the quizzes in the book, I don’t test positive for any of the hormone imbalances. Dr. Turner says you should have 2 clear weeks to do the detox, and we’ve had lots of social stuff going on lately. Fun but not so great for detoxing. So, I’m going to do my best to try and stick to the diet – I imaging it will feel like a bit of detox anyway – and see what happens.

Wish me luck!

Garden slowly coming to life…

This would from about a week ago…

And these photos are from yesterday (Sunday)…

Things change fast this time of year!

Some close ups…

 

And just because we’re so pretty….

Welcome to March

I picked these up at the Superstore weekend before last and I’ve been enjoying the colors and the scent every time I walk through the entry way.

The weather for the last bit of February was quite mild and it’s been so easy to think that spring is right around the corner.

This morning we woke up to winter again though.

I hadn’t actually seen any weather forecasts all weekend, and it was a bit of a shock to see first thing this morning, I have to say.

But, but the end of the day it had warmed to rain and all the new snow is pretty much gone – though we may get some more flurries tomorrow morning.

As much as I would have liked to crawl back into bed and hide from the snow, we had to head off to work. We left Zappa, looking very smug that he did not have to go out in the weather…

And Frank hiding in the closet, firmly in denial. Snow? I don’t see any stinkin’ snow!

Where did February go?

When I said that I was going to be blogging less, I did not intend to disappear altogether. The past couple of weeks have been kinda crazy ‘round here. I’ve been stressed out and exhausted and the days just seemed to disappear on me.

I finally started to feel more like myself this weekend, thankfully. I actually had some energy to get some things done around the house – and things were in pretty desperate shape. Hopefully I’ll catch up one of these days.

My workouts suffered somewhat, along with everything else. It was a bit of a tough schedule in February, but I did the best I could.

February Workouts:

Feb 28: Cardio Intervals[35 mins]
Feb 25: Supersets + Abs
Feb 24: Cardio Intervals[35 mins]
Feb 23: Hyperbolic RT + Abs + Steady State Cardio
Feb 22: Steady State Cardio [35 mins]
Feb 18: Supersets + Abs + Steady State Cardio
Feb 16: Cardio Intervals[25 mins]
Feb 15: Hyperbolic RT + Steady State Cardio + Abs
Feb 14: Cardio Intervals + Steady State Cardio[45 mins]
Feb 13: High Intensity Circuit x1 + Abs [35 mins]
Feb 10: Supersets
Feb 09: Cardio Intervals + Abs
Feb 08: Hyperbolic RT + Steady State Cardio
Feb 06: High Intensity Circuit
Feb 05: Cardio Intervals + Abs
Feb 03: Supersets + Abs + Steady State Cardio
Feb 01: Hyperbolic RT + Abs + Steady State Cardio

The workout schedule for March is even tougher. I’m a bit scared to tell the truth, and starting to wonder if Lindsey is trying to kill me.  Ok, not really, but the schedule looks kinda painful.

I survived my first workout after work today – the first of two High Intensity Circuits on the schedule for the week. It took me about 55 minutes to complete. At which point I was ready to collapse. Fortunately tomorrow is just Hyperbolic Resistance Training and Cardio. Just, I say. Ha!

Now it’s time to finish up a few little things and crawl into bed. Good night everyone!

Pancake Wednesday

My Pancake Tuesday plans were foiled yesterday by my well meaning husband. I came out to the kitchen after my post-workout shower to discover that he had forgotten all about pancakes and had heated up the leftover soup from Monday night. I couldn’t exactly be upset with him since he was trying to be helpful. And really, it was not a big deal. I am an equal opportunity pancake appreciator, so we just had our pancakes today.

I like to make my pancakes with Robin Hood Nutri Flour Blend. I’m not a fan of whole wheat pancakes, but the Nutri Flour makes a nice light and fluffy pancake. I think that it has a slightly nuttier flavor than white flour, and I actually think it makes better pancakes than using white flour.

I always do half a batch, since it’s just Husband and I, though today perhaps I should have made more. He was hungry tonight and was in the kitchen looking for more, even though I cooked him two eggs to go along with his.

I just had mine with strawberries & raspberries (from frozen, that I simmered on the stove while making the pancakes) and maple syrup.

I love pancakes!

…And the Fabulous Felines

I know you’ve all been been in suspense, wondering what those felines have been up to lately…

So I’ll tell you.

There has been some serious power napping going on…

I just love how you can barely see Frank’s face behind his fur.

Interspersed with some playing to work through that snow-induced cabin fever.

This would be the box that my piano came in. Yes, I kept it for the cats. There are a few cat toys in there and every so often I’ll be in the basement and hear this mad scuffling noise from the box as one of them gets in there and starts batting a toy around. We all think that’s fun.

The down side is that the box is sitting right behind my piano bench and every single time I sit down to play lately, Zappa will come and sit on the box and swat at me. He doesn’t seem to like sharing attention with the newest addition to the family, inanimate though it may be.

My mischievous felines also like to cause trouble in the kitchen.

That would be Frank, sitting on the counter. I mainly took this photo to try and give you some idea of the size of these cats. I’m not sure that really comes through in pictures. They are the largest cats I have ever owned. Frank is somewhere around 17 lbs, and he’s not fat.

And this is what Zappa does whenever he sees me get the carton of milk out of the fridge (sorry for the blur, but he wouldn’t hold still).

No, my cats are not spoiled at all….