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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Next phase of boot camp starts Monday

Friday night I got in my treadmill walk. I'm having to go a lot slower than I'm used to, but I can tell my foot is not completely healed. I am doing my best to be patient.

Saturday I got in my final Boot Camp workout of the Intro phase. I was thinking about doing some additional cardio after I finished the Boot Camp, but then decided to be sensible. I hurt myself by overdoing things; I don't want to push my luck. I did do some yoga which will hopefully help me to recover and get stronger again.

It's hard though. I am impatient to get rid of these extra few pounds that showed up over the winter and I don't seem to be making any progress at all. It's frustrating and it's depressing.

I've been reflecting on my weight loss [or lack thereof] history lately. I was never one of those girls who was obsessed with dieting when I was in my teens. I was conscious of my size - it's hard for a young girl not to be - but I was not overweight so it was not something that I seriously worried about.

I first joined a gym in 2002. Up until then I had been an on-again-off-again exerciser, but by then I had definitely started worrying about my weight. At that point I was around 135 lbs, which was 30 pounds more than I had weighed 5 years previously (should mention I'm 5 feet tall). During those 5 years, I had moved to a new city and started my first full time job. Then moved to a different city and a different job. Then got married. Then bought a house. They were busy years. I had started trying to diet, change my eating habits. I was sure that joining a gym and getting into a regular exercise habit would help me get back to where I should be.

Establishing the regular exercise habit worked. I looked forward to my sessions at the gym. But my weight pretty much stayed the same. Since then, I have tried and tried and for my troubles I have gradually gained more. I don't know why.

I have always admitted that eating is the hardest part for me. But since this winter I have also realized that while I may not eat perfectly, I actually eat pretty well. Lately I have been eating more veggies than ever and cutting down on sugar a lot (not that I ate a huge amount before). I eat very little in the way of processed food and most of what I eat is home cooked. I don't eat large portions. Yes, I do have splurges. There are times when I don't choose the healthiest option. But overall, I think I do pretty well.

So, I'm pretty much stuck. To be quite honest I feel let down. Betrayed. By my own body. I'm doing my best to treat it well and do healthy things for it, and it is not responding in the way I think it should.

There's a lot of talk out in the blog world about body image and learning to accept one's self. I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not quite sure I can ever accept this. In all honesty, I don't really want to. This slow creep of pounds, growing out of my clothes, getting more uncomfortable with myself is not a happy journey. It's downright frightening. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing, I know, but I can't help asking the question.

Ok, this is not really where I meant to go when I sat down and started typing tonight. But it's been on my mind and it makes me sad and tired. Now it's off my chest. I'll throw it out there to the universe and hope that the universe will be kind.

10 comments:

Merry said...

I can't speak for the universe, but I'm sending a virtual ((hug)) through the Internet toward you.

Have you had your thyroid checked lately?

Also, there have been studies that show petting a cat can influence your mood positively :)

Charlotte said...

Oh honey! So many of us can relate to what you wrote!! I can completely sympathize with eating right and exercising and still gaining weight. It sends me over the edge - so I think your feelings are totally normal. I haven't found teh solution yet, however, so I'll just have to give you all my sympathy.

(Although Merry does make a really good point about your thyroid!)

JavaChick said...

I have actually never had my thyroid checked, as far as I know. I have wondered about it I've never had a doctor mention it and I'm not very good at speaking up for myself. I know I should see about getting it checked though.

the Bag Lady said...

Is your skin dry? Does your hair fall out? Are you tired all the time? Is your hair rough or coarse? Are you depressed? Do you feel the cold more than others around you? Along with the weight gain, those are some of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. If you have those, ask your doctor to check it.
Go here for a complete list of possible symptoms:
http://www.endocrineweb.com/hypo1.html

Rayna said...

Hey JavaChick!

I, like you, was always a thin teenager and never really worried about my weight. Then my twenties hit and I started putting on weight. First 5 lbs, then 10, then 15, now 20.

Granted, when you start to work out, you should actually gain weight as you progress (loose fat, gain muscle) and with this some of your clothes will start to feel tighter. From heavy lifting, my legs looks thinner but they no longer "mush" around in my jeans and therefor I can't squeeze my butt into a skin tight pair of size 3 jeans anymore. ick.

I did however have my thyroid checked about 2 years ago due to the weight gain, and being cold and tired all the time. Turns out I have an underactive thyroid. I'm not on meds though, which is why i'm still gaining weight, but because I know my metabolism is slower than a normal persons I eat a little less than I thought was necessary, keep track of my weight and if I start gaining a bunch rapidly I know I'll need the meds. Until then I'll just keep working my butt off. (literally).

Good luck in your struggle! and ask the doctors to run a blood test for you!

Sagan said...

HUGS.

I think sometimes our bodies get really used to and comfortable with a certain weight. Our bodies and minds, however, don't always agree with what that so-called "happy weight" is.

JavaChick said...

Bag Lady - Tired all the time, dry skin, often cold - all that is normal for me. I do shed hair but a certain amount of that is normal isn't it?

Rayna - thanks for sharing your experience. I definitely have muscle - unfortunately I have a layer of fat over top of it. :(

Sagan - Unfortunately this weight is not very happy. Ten pounds ago I was thinking that even though I wasn't happy with that weight, I could live with it as long as I didn't gain any more. It's the fact that I keep gaining that really freaks me out and the idea that I can't do anything about it...Well, it's unacceptable.

Miz said...

I have been there 100% as well and clearly recall saying to my then boyfriend/now husband WHY AM I BOTHERING???

for me it was STRESS (cortisol? perhaps) which was halting my weightloss.

HANG IN THERE and Im with merry as well.
It cant hurt to check.

Missicat said...

I sooo hear you. Really. My worst problem is my eating..I join WW online and it has helped a little bit.
I just want to be thin again at least one more time!

JavaChick said...

Miz - Yes! It's hard to keep up the effort when it seems to make no difference!

Missicat - Doesn't seem like so much to ask does it? Hang in there!