The Year of 50: January

That title is just because I can't think of how to start. But I do turn 50 this year. And it did somewhat shape how I started out the year. Good intentions as usual. Cue immediate crash and burn.

The reality is, I've having a tough time, and it's pretty much to do with my job. One aspect of my life, sure, but it spills over and affects everything else.

I haven't exactly loved my job for a while now. It's been going downhill. I could never quite put my finger on an explanation. And no one can help if you can't explain the problem.

Anyway, to make matters worse, my job has changed a few times over the past 3 years. Teams got switched around. And around. I move to a new team. Then that new team gets moved to a completely different group, and a brand new project. And, I thought then, maybe this is good. I wasn't happy, but I'm also not good at being proactive. I don't often deliberately choose new directions in my life; I've mostly just followed along the path, and went where it led me. So I probably would not have gone after a change myself.

It was overwhelming. Completely not what I expected. Huge, terms of the number of people. So many new things to learn. I'm not so good with new things. But I keep trying to tell myself that it's good, I should take advantage, I can do it.

In terms of capability, I probably can. I can learn stuff. I've done it before. But I am fighting with myself the whole way.

I had a couple of weeks off, end of December, and spent some time thinking things over. And what came to me is that I'm tired of it all.

That is the problem I was having before; sitting down to my tasks and thinking "I don't want to do this." But then I at least had the background knowledge. I knew the environment, I had an investment in the work, and I cared about it - or at least some of it.

Now, there is so much. I don't have that connection. And everything just makes me tired. Sitting down, looking a every new task just makes me feel tired. Just the idea of it. I just feel so done with it.

And I don't know if that means this specific job, with this company. If I could get a new job, would I feel different?

And does it really matter? I still have to work. This is the training and experience I have.  So what does one do?

Cue me, chasing myself around in circles.

I am exhausted right now. Probably a little depressed. Winter is never my best time of year, let's face it, so maybe things will start looking up as we get closer to spring? The days are already starting to get longer, though here we still have lots of cold weather to look forward to. May is usually when I really start feeling good.

Anyway, all of this nattering on solves nothing. I can hope that writing stuff down will help get some of it out of my system? But I don't know what the solution is. Possibly some extended time off. I do have that option, though it would be without pay, and Husband is not too keen on that idea. Go figure. At the very least, I should start making myself do things that might help with stress, but I don't have the energy.

I feel very stuck, and I feel like I am getting in my own way at this point. I'm tired and I don't know how to fix it.

Mid-Summer Update

I'm starting a new workout program called Morning Meltdown 100. Program name being slightly hilarious; ya'll can put "Morning" in the title, but morning workouts will still not be happening :)

Anyway, as is the usual with these plans, it wants you to write down all kinds of goals before you start. It includes a book to do this, as well as to track your workouts. It's a really beautiful looking, hardcover book. I don't want to write in it. Also, I'm kind of over the grand, intention setting thing at the start of new plans. Basically this popped up as a new Beach Body On Demand program; it looked like one that I might like, so I signed up for it, and then found myself added to a challenge group. I have no quibble with that really, it is kind of cool sometimes to follow along with others as you make your way through a new plan. But I still don't want to write in the pretty book (side note: the book that came with the 2B Mindset plan is probably one of the better books I've seen for this kind of thing; it looked and felt like a workbook, so I did not mind at all writing in it).

I've kind of gone off track there. I don't want to write in the book. But there are a couple of things I do want to make note of.

• Haven't followed a regular workout plan since finishing Lift4. Late spring and early summer have been taken up with gardening. I'm okay with that.
• At the end of Lift 4, and in early stages of gardening, I was feeling a lot of achy joints - hands and wrists, notably, but to a certain extent all over. I was blaming the weights, as I was going heavy, and in the past I have found that hard on my hands. And then, as I spent a few weeks lugging around giant bags of garden soil, and was feeling it pretty much all over, I blamed that.
• Eventually, I started wondering if I'm developing arthritis?
• Also, my hands were swelling to the point that I couldn't wear my usual rings. 
• My weight went up a few pounds, and was not budging, no matter what I did.
• I was also taking a Keratin supplement at that point because my nails were mush and nothing else seemed to be working.
• I stopped the Keratin, and the swelling is gone from my hands, and the new pounds seem to be going away.
• My joints have been somewhat less achy, though I am finding more than ever that I feel stiff if I sit around too long, and when I first wake up in the morning.
• My heels, particularly the left, have been very tender. Again, seems to be worse if I have not been up moving around; gets better once I do start walking around; gets worse if I do a lot of walking around.
• Lower back as also bothering me for a while, but seems better now.
• I have been vigilant about walking and moving around more, even if I have not been following any kind of exercise plan.
• Oh, in case you are wondering, my nails are in much better shape, so I suppose the keratin did work. 

So that is where I am right now. Where do I want to go?

• This exercise plan has you doing 100 days of short workouts. Short workouts are good. I'm only in the prep phase, but 20 - 30 minutes is the promise. 
• I will be on vacation for 10 days, starting Aug 9, and I'm not packing dumbbells, so I will be taking a break early on.
• I'm not going to kill myself over this, I will be happy to stick to the plan as well as I am able, and hopefully keep the extra walking as well.
• At the end of it, I would like to be feeling good. Moving easy. 
• Building some more strength/stamina, losing a few more of those pounds would be a bonus.
• I do think am feeling better now that I was; maybe that's because it's finally summer and sunny (spring was really late, cold, and rainy this year); maybe it's the extra walking, and mostly eating well. 
• Not that I haven't been feeling tired, and overwhelmed with everything that I want/need to keep up with, but it's been better.
• Stronger. Better. That's the goal.

This was all very off the cuff, without a whole lot of thinking it out. I think I'll leave it there.

The Stress of De-Stressing

I felt good about actually completing (in my fashion) the Lift4 program. I was thinking I'd take a break from that, go back to Pump for a bit (change things up); garden season is coming up which gets me outside working around the yard.

I did one Pump workout. I have been out working on getting the garden ready a few times, but not as much as I'd like. The weather, after an all too brief warm and sunny stretch, has gone back to cold, gloomy rainy. Feeling tired and my time is being taken up by other things.

I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep. Waking up with headaches, and sore jaw. I started wearing my bite plate again on Monday night, which helps somewhat. Yesterday I noticed I was doing it during the day, while awake; an this on a day off from work.

I'm assuming this is stress, as that is the usual reason, but I'm not sure where the stress is coming from exactly. Over the past few years, it's been work; I was unhappy and frustrated with things for a long time. It has settled this last year though; not necessarily that things have gotten better, but I've made a sort of peace with it, I think. We'll see how long that lasts.

I think it's just that I've got too much going on lately, and I feel like there isn't time for everything I want/need to do. Or just not enough time to myself, plain and simple. I don't know. Which is weird in a way; there is only the two of us, plus cats. But there is only so much free time; that time has to be split up between chores that need to be done, and things I want to do, and I only have so much energy.

Last weekend Sunday was going to be my day to be productive and get stuff done. But on the day, it was like I had so much stuff to do, that I was paralyzed by it all; just could not figure out where to start, so really didn't accomplish much of anything.

I need to prioritize?

I need more energy, and I need it to stop raining, and I need the sun to come out.

I need to say no to some things.

Maybe I have no idea.

I need there to be less clutter in the house so it's not so hard to deal with anything.

I need the Husband to help out more.

I need to set limits on some things.

I need a nap?

Annual Check In: Count down to 50

Happy birthday to me. 49. Huh.

So I thought I would do a bit of a check in. Blogging seems to be something I don't get to much anymore. I miss the old days where there were lots of bloggers, writing about similar things. Facebook, etc., is just not the same. But it certainly takes a lot of time, and as the years go by it seems we have less and less of that - or I do, anyway.

My recent blogging had been fairly repetitive; exhausted, busy, exhausted, exhausted, busy...I finally went to the doctor in January, and he gave me antibiotics. I waited a couple of weeks to be sure, then made an appointment to go back, and then he gave me corticosteriods. That just felt like a miracle. I had forgotten what it was like to feel good. I felt like a whole new person. My mom and my husband both said I shouldn't have waited so long, which is probably true, but I think it built up gradually. I kept waited to catch up and feel rested, to get some energy back, for allergy season to be over, for the cold to go away...It's like I forgot what it was like to feel good.

I still don't know what was wrong with me. I worry that if it was something in my environment, it will come back. But for now, it is good to feel normal again. I still get tired, but a chance to rest puts me to right again.

I completed a new 8 week exercise problem. It took me longer than 8 weeks, mind you, because life is still busier that I want it to be, but I managed to do it. It was a lifting + HIIT program. To be honest my intervals were more likely moderate most of the time. I definitely modified. I am keeping things low impact; I think my knees will never be the same and I don't want to aggravate anything. I am also finding that a lot of the up and down stuff like burpees and squat thrusts can make me dizzy, so I'm pretty much avoiding them for now. Honestly, I figure if I'm moving, I'm good. Just as long as I'm doing something.

I joined a FB sketching club group. They meet at the library twice a month on Sunday afternoons. When I joined, I was really thinking that I was interested in going, but it hasn't worked out; weekends seem to be so busy lately. On the rare occasion where I have a quiet weekend, I don't want to go anywhere. But the group has been doing monthly sketch challenges, which has got me doing more at home. In particular, April was birds. I didn't manage to get every day, but I did a lot. May is going to be animals. Trying to stick with it. One of those things that I have been wanting to learn/get better at for years. The hardest part always seems to be getting started. Having jumped that hurdle, I just need to keep going, yes?


And of course I got interrupted/busy/didn't finish. Publishing as is.

2018 In Review

At risk of repeating myself....It's been a rough year. Husband ended up being on-call over the holidays, which meant we couldn't go anywhere and I was actually a bit relieved about that. It's not that I don't want to go home and visit our families, but it's been so long since I've had a bunch of uninterrupted time to myself at home. I needed it.

Looking back..

Jan/Feb

• Cautiously optimistic that my knee was better and I could get back into an exercise routine
• That's what I see from looking back at the few posts that I wrote; I can't say there was much memorable.

Mar/Apr

• Looking forward to plans to go visit my sisters in April! All kicked off by my baby sister sharing the Rod Stewart concert event on Facebook and then commenting that it would be a nice birthday gift to her if we all went to the concert. I'd already half been thinking that it would make a great excuse for a visit, so plans were made.
• Unexpected work stuff. Bad, bad, work stuff. Stress through the roof, and me feeling miserable. This company wins all kinds of "best workplace" awards, and I will admit that the benefits are excellent (and make it hard to leave), but quite honestly I am less and less happy working there as time goes on; haven't really been happy since they acquired the company I originally worked for. Ended up taking an extra week of vacation to recover from the stress a bit before I took off to visit my sisters.
• Vacation was excellent.
• Work still sucked once I got back.

Spring & Summer

• Busy, busy with home improvement stuff 
• Allergies were terrible this year; tried different allergy meds to no avail; only thing that helped as taking Advil Cold & Sinus Advanced on top of the allergy meds when it got really bad. I know that's probably not good, and if things don't get better I'll have to go to the doctor about it.
• Heat pump installed. (Wanted by husband)
• Tank-less hot water system installed (Wanted by husband)t
• Fix dry wall at back of garage (Wanted by husband) and discover we need to have our roof re-shingled.
• Cat fence kit installed! (Wanted by me)
• I spent most of my free time in spring and early summer hanging out in the yard with Isabelle. She needed the outdoor time, or she would get wild; we couldn't leave her outside by herself, because she could easily get over the fenc.
• Early in the spring it was less pleasant, often cold and windy and mostly I was just standing around the yard watching her.
• As things warmed up/thawed/started turning green, I was able to pick away at yard work which was nice; I felt like I was accomplishing something and I enjoy being outside if I have something to occupy myself.
• Still, it meant I didn't have much free time for anything else.
• But then the cat fence went up, and for the first time in several years, I could actually have a garden!
• We actually had a pretty good growing season, and I enjoyed puttering and grew lots of tomatoes.
• I will say, I appreciated the heat pump then. Husband likes to be cool and while I often felt it was a bit too much - me in sweaters during July and August - it was nice to be able to come in from gardening in the summer heat and be able to cool off.
• Two quick trips home to NS; one for Husband's family reunion weekend, and one when my baby sis came home.
• Baby sister was home for two weeks, and actually came over to visit us for a few days and we went to see ZZ Top (they were excellent).
• Summer flew by too fast as usual.

Fall & Early Winter

• Harvesting tomatoes, canning salsa and tomatoes...
• Parents came for Thanksgiving weekend and Dad assembled a new Tardis for me (the original one was unfortunately rotting away from damp).
• I didn't get fall yard clean up done this year. I kept meaning to, but somehow there was never time. It rained a lot. We were busy. It turned cold early.
• We went to Hal-Con in late October. Lots of cool guests this year, but we only had one day. Minor crisis when I somehow lost my convention bracelet in the morning, so we had to go back to registration again. We saw Levar Burton (Q&A panel) and Anthony Stewart Head (Photo Op, Q&A Panel, Autograph). This was our second time going, and the first time we saw any of the guests, so we were still figuring things out. 
• November we were off to the  Whisky Festival for the 4th year in a row, this time with a couple of friends which made it even more fun.
• Was sick for a couple of weeks - end of Nov/beginning of Dec - and still haven't quite shaken the sniffles and cough.
• Off on vacation from Dec 21 to Jan 2nd. Did a lot of cleaning on the 21st, my first day off, and ended up not feeling well again. It felt like a mild asthma attack at first - and maybe was - but it lasted and accompanied by sniffles and cough lasted a couple of days. The feeling of having a weight sitting on my chest was gone after that, but still have the sniffles and cough. Feeling like allergies again  I may have to break down and go to the doctor if this keeps up.
• Thinking back, I found the allergies seemed to get bad this spring after we got the heat pump. I don't know if that's what is making it worse again now? I don't know, maybe it was coincidence.
• So after the first day, I spent my days relaxing for the most part. Husband was home anyway, and I find I am less likely to do house stuff if he's around. He went back to work on Thursday, so I puttered around Thurs & Fri, picking away at some things I've been needing to get done (taking everything out of china cabinet to clean and dust, cleaning out cupboard that mouse has been into, more de-cluttering in kitchen, laundry...and the list goes on).
• Managed to play around with a little bit of painting, but not as much as I would have liked. Hardly touched the piano at all.
• Friday evening we had a Pokemon Go EX Raid to go to. It was mildly snow-stormy all day, but off we went with our intrepid Pokemon Go friends to do it anyway. Normally difficult to get Husband to step foot outside in good weather, but he'll go out in the snow for an EX Raid. 
• Weekend was quiet aside from Husband's on call, and our garage door deciding it didn't need to close....sigh.
• We got an instant pot...a few weeks ago? A month ago? Made Pork Carnitas on Saturday, and that is the best thing we've done in the instant pot so far.
• And now here it is Monday, and vacation is almost over. I do feel more rested and de-stressed, but still not ready to go back to work and I wish the cold/allergies/whatever would go away.

Looking ahead...What do I want this year? Ah...Okay...Maybe that should be another post or I'll never get this one finished!

Let's Try This Again

[Part B]
I kept trying to write this post...Starting in March/April I think. I don't know how many times I started over; could just never manage to finish. Last time was in August, so I'm just going to hit publish with that date now and leave it. This has been a really hard year for me....And the 2016/2017 were rough as well, as I tried to deal with the loss of Frank & Zappa. Things have to get better from here?

Early April, 2018...

Well that totally didn't work!

What can I say? Still so exhausted, and then a couple of busy weeks, and then I got sick....

Towards the end of March there was actually a bit of yoga, and I started easing into Les Mills Pump again. I decided it was best to stick with something simple. So I've been doing the first Pump workout which is sort of the intro workout, and the shortest one - around 25 minutes I think? Using the lightest weights I can stand to use; sort of the opposite of what one usually aims for, but trying to give the knees an easy start.

So that seems to be going okay, and now I'm getting ready to go away for a week...So basically let's interrupt things again, and hope I don't wind up getting sick upon my return.

Haven't really been tracking things well. Will try to start again because I know it is useful for me to do that.

My work stress increased by a great big huge amount last week, due to a major [and unexpected] re-org. I already had vacation time booked, but ended up adding some extra days on to the front.

Work is constantly stressful these days as it is. I don't think I've been getting enough introvert time lately [I'm going to start calling it that because I don't know how else to describe it - I periodically need a bunch of time with no plans, no demands on me, and preferably a bit of solo time and since I used up all my vacation time on traveling and visiting last year, I am way below quota on the down time].

So I've been off work since end of day Thursday. I think I've been sleeping better, and am feeling less physically tired; still working through the mental and emotional stuff and honestly not so sure how that is going. This whole working for a living thing can really suck the life out of you.

Late May 2018...

Ha ha ha! Still totally not working!

I forgot I had started this post, and thought about deleting and starting over; I'm writing this mainly for me though, and this is how things were/are, so I decided to leave it. It will be a long post, but it's my blog after all.

I had a wonderful vacation. Quality time with my sisters. Explored Butchart Gardens and enjoyed their Afternoon Tea, Wandered Victoria. Saw Rod Stewart in Vancouver. Checked out Stormcrow Tavern. More family time. Actually came down with a cold during my vacation, but didn't let it spoil my trip.

Ended two weeks vacation in a much better frame of mind, more rested and balanced that I had felt in a long time.

Work...Well, it's still never going to be my happy place. It pays the bills and lets me sock away a bit for retirement, I get good vacation time and other benefits. We'll leave it at that.

Which brings us to now...Not so exhausted. Yay spring and more daylight! Makes such a huge difference for me. I still have no time for anything though. My lovely little Isabelle wants to be outside all the time, but if she's outside, I have to be outside. Not that I don't enjoy the out doors time, I've been spending a lot of time in the garden (though somewhat slow going, as I am having to constantly check on where Isabelle is), but I'm not getting much of the indoor stuff accomplished. Oh well, who needs a tidy, uncluttered house anyway? And yes, I am the human, I do not have to give in to the cat (Ha!), but she gets all wild and fractious if she doesn't get outside to burn of some energy.

It looks like we are finally going to get moving on converting our fence (which was the deal we made when I agreed to go with a chain link fence back in 2014) . If all goes according to plan, we should be back to have a fence that will keep the cat in and the deer out. So I get my life back, and get to have a garden again. Dreams, people, maybe they can come true now and then.

Even assuming we do get the work on the fence completed, I expect I will still be spending a lot of time outside for a while, to make sure that it is cat proof. But still...my reprieve is in sight.

So it will probably be autumn, at the earliest, before I get back to a semi-normal exercise routine. I have always been less likely to do formal workouts this time of year anyway, since I'd rather take advantage of the nice weather while it's here.

Try, and try again

[Part A]
I kept trying to write this post...Starting in March/April I think. I don't know how many times I started over; could just never manage to finish. Last time was in August, so I'm just going to hit publish with that date now and leave it. This has been a really hard year for me....And the 2016/2017 were rough as well, as I tried to deal with the loss of Frank & Zappa. Things have to get better from here?

I keep trying to write a post and not getting it finished. It just keeps getting too long, for one thing. So here I go again, trying to keep from going off into the weeds...

This winter/early spring were really hard on me. I was exhausted all the time, and super stressed by work stuff. Coming home from work and then having to take Isabelle outside; otherwise she would get fractious. I couldn't do much of anything, just have to follow Isabelle around the yard to make sure she didn't go over the fence; that time of year can be wet, cold and windy. And it left me with less (sometimes no) time for other things which just added to my frustrations.

I was taking vitamins - D3, B12, an anti-stress remedy - to try and feel better. I remember wondering to Husband at one point; what do I need to do to stop feeling so crappy? He responded: Isn't that called spring?

End of March it all came to a crisis when there was a re-org announced at work, that just amped up my stress levels even more. We already had vacation planned for the second week in April, and after my manager suggested that maybe I needed some extra time off, I added on extra vacation days so that I had a week off at home before our trip.

Looking back now, I can say I was pretty much burned out. The extra time off, time to myself, definitely helped, as did our trip out to the west coast to visit my sisters (and see Rod Stewart in concert). I'm still not happy with how things have changed at work, but I don't feel like I'm ready to go to pieces, which is how I was feeling before.

In May, I started picking away at doing things in the garden, so at least while I was on Isabelle duty I could keep myself busy (an then chase after her if she went over the fence while I wasn't looking).

The days got longer, and I started feeling better. Husband was so right about that. Some years are worse than others for that, and this was a bad one. But, aside from a cold June, we have been having a beautiful summer. Our fence is finally fixed up, which means Isabelle can have more outdoors time and I don't have to be out there following her around. And the extra bonus for me: I can actually have a garden again.

I've spent a fair amount of time outside this spring and summer, and energy-wise I've been feeling decent.

We don't have quite so many trips away planned for this year, so I've been able to have some extra long weekends at home, which helps a lot. I've still got  a lot of stuff around the house to catch up on, but I've been picking away at some. And formal workouts are still not happening. I'm not worrying about it too much, better to take advantage of the good weather while it lasts.

We do have another vacation coming up soon, which will be a trip home, and looking forward to it.

Which Wednesday?

Not Wordless. Witty? Wonderful? Wild & whimsical?

Early-ish deploy window (i.e. earlier than I wanted to have to get myself into the office; particularly after staying up too late watching Olympic figure skating), so worked from home. Also was not ready to eat anything that early, so just had coffee.

Around 10 am was able to step away from computer for a break. Went down and started a fire in the wood stove; not really that cold out today, but I was feeling chilly. Still not terribly hungry, but should eat something, so finished off leftover Thai Hummus with some sprouted grain toast and another coffee.

Back to the computer for a couple of hours, then go up to take another short break. I find I really need to be conscious of getting up and moving around when I am working at home; for whatever reason, I am more likely be glued to my desk at home, hunched over the computer, and I end up feeling crappy by the end of the day. Better to get up and take some breaks.

Actually did my 20 min walk break on the treadmill (and added some more wood to the fire while down there), then came back up to grab some blackberries & cottage cheese...And didn't take a picture, but really, how exciting is that to look at anyway? Did enjoy eating though, especially the blackberries.

It was actually a nice day - it has been warming up again. Isabelle has it pretty good on my work from home days; she usually gets a few trips outside, instead of one after work on normal work days.

Snow is melting, melting, melting again...

Husband came home from work, I took Isabelle for one more walk about in the yard, and then we were out the door again to meet up with friends for dinner.

Beer & Whisky flight (Husband & I shared; I may have made a bit of a pouty face, but he did have to drive home).

Appetizer special, which I would have (we probably should have shared) but we each had our own. I had Fish Tacos and Macaroni Bites.

And...veggie burger with parmesan fries. I was really hungry when we ordered. I ate most of the burger, and a few fries. Husband helped out with the fries, his dinner was smaller than mine.

Good evening with friends, home to watch some more Olympics. Looking forward to quiet evenings at home for the rest of the week.

Pancake Two-sday

Making it a quickie...Pancake Tuesday! My always-happy-for-excuse-to-eat-pancakes day!

A whole stack of these delivered to the kitchen at work to start off the day:

I am sure I have not had McDonald's Hotcakes since I was a child. There were sausage patties too, but not my thing.

Lunch, pretty much the same as yesterday:

I did have another clementine too, but somehow that didn't make it into a picture.

Then for dinner I made real homemade pancakes, with blueberries, blackberries and maple syrup. Eggs on the side (1 for me, 2 for Husband).

Husband also brought me home a present which I totally was not expecting!

I was supposed to have my piano lesson, but we were running late, I was rushing around trying to throw dinner together, totally stressed and feeling like I wouldn't even have time to eat, so I ended up cancelling.

Enjoyed my pancake dinner and stayed up too late watching olympic figure skating.

Sweets for your Sweetheart

Couple of busy weeks coming up, starting today. Here we go!

- Was sore yesterday, particularly right hip. Expected worse to day, but is better. Still feeling the right hip and my right knee a bit though.
- Was aiming to try and get out of the house a bit earlier this morning, since we want to leave work early today, but Husband was the one slowing things down for a change.
- Our driveway, and the drive down to the road are solid ice. The car actually slid sideways down the hill, but fortunately not all the way to the road. It's garbage day, but we didn't see ourselves walking down the icy hill; put garbage in trunk and got out of the car at the bottom to put the garbage out.
- Lots of new Pokemon to catch on they way to work this morning! Yes, we are easily amused.

Breakfast: Coffee, cottage cheese and a clementine from the kitchen at work.

 Lunch: Sweet Potato & Black Bean Mole, popcorn and the clementine that I never got around to eating with breakfast.

- Being a day I need to leave a bit early, I'm in the midst of trying to resolve a problem when I look at the time are realize it is 4:28.
- Rushed out of the office, forgetting to change into my outdoor boots. Fortunately sidewalks in town are mostly clear.
- Met up with Husband, and we were off for a quick dinner before the main event.

Let the festivities begin!

I honestly walked into the restaurant planning to order a salad. But then we discovered two of the things we loved from the last Chop Chop week were on the menu: Street fries and Thai Hummus. We shared these, and husband also ordered some kind of chicken bites and Thai Brussels Sprouts.

And then off to the "Sweets For Your Sweetheart" whisky and dessert pairing.

- There were two seatings, and we chose the early seating even though it meant leaving work a little early and having a quick dinner; old fogies that we are, we didn't want to be out late on a Monday night.
- When we get home, our driveway is still looking like a skating rink. Husband takes a run up the hill, I brace myself to crash into the house or something; we did a bit of sliding around, but we made it safely into the garage.
- Husband then called our snow plow guy to have some sand dumped on our driveway before it's time to leave for work in the morning.
- Isabelle was a bit desperate to get outside as usual, but it was dark by this time and I wasn't going to risk going out and falling on any icy patches in the dark, so she'll just have to survive until tomorrow.

The Easy Does It Plan

Since getting the all clear on Tuesday morning from my doctor, I have been thinking about the how to get back into the exercise habit, build up my fitness again, and avoid doing any more damage to my knees...

Walking, at a slow pace, seems safe. I'll get bored if that's all I'm doing though.

Should I go back to my usual workouts, but reduce weights and intensity? I'm afraid I'll get impatient with that, and I'm not so sure those workouts are the best for recovery. Maybe I am overthinking, and worrying too much, but I would prefer to be cautious rather than wind up right back where I was last fall.

So, I turned to google for specific ideas and decided to give this a try:

8 Exercises to Help Your Knees from WebMD

Yesterday, did 6 of the 8 exercises here, alternating each one with an upper body or core exercise. It took me an hour to do, so not something that I am likely to squeeze in on a work night. Feeling it today, and probably will be feeling it even more tomorrow. 
 
Aside from this, what I have been trying to do is:

1. Get in a a walking break of at least 20 minutes during my work day. The office building I work in is part of a complex of buildings connected by walkways, so I can easily walk indoors without worrying about the weather (or slipping and falling on ice, and possibly banging up my knees even more).
2. Aim to get in an additional 20 minutes of activity after work. This could be walking, or other exercise.

The workouts might be longer than 20 minutes. Some days there might only be one. Some days I might do a block of 40 all at once. Basically just trying to get movement back into my life without overdoing it. 

I'm not sure how I'm going to track this. So far I have set it up on my side bar to just mark off the blocks of [at least] 20 minutes that I get in each day. I don't want to get into writing down specifics of treadmill walks; I used to always write down speed, distance, incline for my treadmill sessions but this tends to lead to me wanting to outdo my last session, which in turn can lead to me overdoing things, and I really want to keep things slow and easy for now.

I really do feel like I'm being ridiculous and making too big a deal of this...But then I remind myself of what it was like to not even feel confident about walking. I'm already nervous about walking down stairs, and always try to keep my hand on a railing because I don't trust myself. I have a real fear of falling now (something to do with having done that three times in three years).

So this is my loose plan. I will likely have to come up with some shorter strength routines; possibly I will just break up the Web MD one, but I did see some other exercises when I was looking around.

The rest of last week passed in a blur...I'm trying to remember what I did, but obviously nothing exciting! We had more snow on Wednesday, I remember that for sure. Yesterday morning it was snowing again, and it looked very pretty in the morning. Then by afternoon it turned to rain again.

I slept in a bit, then relaxed for the morning with my coffee and a book, plus a bit of time on the computer. Cottage cheese for breakfast because it's easy, I like it, and it gives me protein. Did my workout and then had lunch:

The Indian meal delivery for this week was Pad Thai (which is not so much Indian, but not complaining) . This is the second time for Pad Thai, and last time I found that one serving was enough to give me two meals. There is always a Dal dish offered, so this time we ordered one Pad Thai for me (with Paneer), two for Husband (one shrimp, one chicken) and one order of the Dal.

I split the Dal between us for lunch, and toasted some sprouted grain bread. I very much enjoyed it, Husband said he didn't like the Kale that was in it.

I followed that with a piece of Dark Chocolate Almond Bark that Husband brought home on Friday;

Then I tackled sorting through some old clothes to get rid of. I am such a pack rat, I have a hard time getting rid of anything. Over the years, as older clothes no longer fit, I have packed them away in the hopes that someday they will fit again...No such luck. It's gotten to the point where it is really too much. If I just chucked all of, it would probably be a lot less stress, but I don't know how to do that. So I am making an effort to go through things and at least make a start. Yesterday, I found that I pretty much had an immediate Yes or No reaction to most things, so I didn't allow myself to think about it too hard; anything that was a No immediately went in the toss pile. My aim is to spend a bit of time every weekend on this.

I thought about going downstairs to do some painting, but lately this has been a difficult thing because Isabelle comes down, getting into things and wanting attention. In the fall and early winter she didn't do that so much, I think because the basement seemed like Trixie's domain, but she's getting braver about that. So I ended up just puttering a bit upstairs - I cannot find Isabelle's harness, have not been able to for a week and I keep searching - and then playing a little ESO, and some more reading while I munched on some Pistachios.

Dinner was the rest of our Indian delivery; 1/2 serving of Pad Thai with Paneer for me, Pad Thai with Chicken for Husband.

And there was some more chocolate for dessert. The Husband brought me a rum & coke. Apparently it was a day for treats.


Today has been another damp, gloomy day. We were supposed to go out and do grocery shopping, but our drive way is all ice at the moment; we live on a hill, so we worry about being to get back up the drive way when it's all icy. Forecast is for freezing rain, so tomorrow might be interesting.

I need to get in some piano practice, and a short walk on the treadmill would be good. And the next thing I know, it will be Monday again...

Ready or Not

Yeah, so; didn't take long for me to remember why this daily food blogging thing fell by the wayside. In theory, it doesn't seem like much, I'm snapping pictures on my phone and publishing them on my blog...But honestly, a lot of days even an extra half hour of "to do" seems like too much.

Last night, after I'd already published for the day, Husband and I split this last treat from his Japan Crate:

And just because it entertained me, my view of Isabelle's paws as she was napping on the love seat. My sweater was on the arm of the love seat, so I wouldn't even have known she was there until the paws stretched up.

Food-wise, today was a repeat of yesterday, so I won't bother to repost.


Doctor appointment this morning to finally follow up on that knee X-Ray I had back in...Nov? Early Dec? X-Ray does not show any problems, and given that I am not feeling pain like I was back in the fall, I am clear to start exercising again, but slowly; the doctor actually said "very slowly". I feel like he was just humoring me, but that might be my own bias talking there.

That said, I will take it slow. While it is true that I am no longer experiencing pain like I was in the fall, neither of my knees feel quite right; nor does my ankle; maybe they never will again. But I'd like to keep them in the best shape possible, so "easy does it" will be the plan.

This evening was supposed to be piano lessons, but it's snowing again and the roads were slippery in spots on our way home, so I decided not to go back out. A quiet evening with the Husband and kitties is always nice.

Yesterday

Today

Interesting article of the day:
If You Stop Thinking Of Exercise As A Way To Lose Weight, You May Actually Enjoy It

This is one of those things that I know, yet I need to keep reminding myself.  I know that I feel better when I exercise. It has many health benefits. And I am more likely to do it, and reap those benefits, if I do workouts that are enjoyable to me. And it feels less like a chore if I'm not thinking about it as a way to burn calories. Yet, I still find myself doing just that; did it today, in fact. So good have this reminder.

Also timely:
February 7th is the day we give up.

This showed up on my Facebook feed today and it felt relevant, though maybe not quite in the way it was intended. Honestly, at the beginning of January I was just feeling exhausted and cranky, not at all inspired. Today is when I am starting to feel fired up. I suppose, according to the research, this is due to wear off in 38 days? I'm kinda feeling like I'll just take what I can get for the moment.

Honestly, I had lots on my mind throughout the day to day, and I intended to write more, but I've been trying to type around the cat sleeping on my lap and it is rapidly approaching my bed time, so this is it for now.

And Out Of Fashion

I know it's no longer the thing; daily food blogging is so 2008 and here we are in 2018 already. But reading back over some of my old posts on the weekend was fascinating to me; it's so easy to forget what was I doing then that was the same or different?

I know I won't keep this up. I truly miss the old days  of reading daily posts from other bloggers, but I also remember that it felt like a lot of work sometimes. But revisiting once in a while might be fun, so here we go...

Ten years ago today: Would you like chocolate with that?*  


Well as a matter of fact, I'm having chocolate for lunch today...sort of; read on!

I am forever struggling with what to eat for breakfast. Mostly, I don't like eating first thing in the morning. Late last fall I started bringing a container of cottage cheese to eat for breakfast once I get to work. That's working for me, and lately I've been enjoying some blackberries on the side. With coffee, of course. Last year I also switched to full on 18% coffee cream at home, so when I bring my coffee, that's what is in there. If I get my coffee at work, it's 10%; what they call Cereal Cream around here.

Yesterday, made sweet potato and black bean mole chili. Four ziploc plastic containers went in the freezer, and two ceramic containers in the fridge. There is still one container of Rockin Moroccan Stew in the freezer. Lunches are covered for the next couple of weeks. Oddly enough, 2009 me was also eating Rockin' Moroccan Stew and sweet potato and black bean mole for lunches.

Looks like mud? Tastes like chocolate!

I was looking for a change in routine. I eat a lot of Rockin' Moroccan Stew, and it's good, but it's nice to have something different. I did a Tomato Veg Soup with lima beans and lentils that I also enjoyed. I remembered that I used to to a slow cooker mole, so I went searching for the recipe, thinking to adapt it as a vegetarian lunch and discovered that I already did that, and if I can believe myself, I quite enjoyed it.

I was still not 100% confident, but turns out it's pretty wonderful, if I do say so myself. Apparently I do sometimes know what I'm talking about. A hint of sweetness, warm spice and chocolate. It is rich and comforting.

Almonds were afternoon snack.

Stop for groceries on the way home, then home where the first order of business was to take Isabelle outside. Most of the snow is gone again, and it was warm - relatively speaking anyway, 2C - and Isabelle was a happy kitty.

Then inside to make dinner - another recognizable favorite:

Mapo Tofu over Jasmine rice. Dinner entertainment was Star Trek: Discovery which I am loving, though it has already broken my heart a couple of times.



And, um... 9 Unexpected Things That Happen When You Abandon Your Workout Routine

Time to get back to it.

* Technically, the date is off by one, but I chose to use the nearest Monday, which was Feb 4, 2008. Carry on.

Old School

Friday morning we woke up to above 0C temperatures and rain. By midday, the temperature had dropped back down below freezing and it was snowing. As you can imagine, that made for a bit of a mess. Buses were pulled from the roads, businesses were closing for the day; I was already working at home, but Husband actually came home early.

Back in November, a friend sent me a link to Japan Crate which is one of those monthly subscription box services. They were offering a special Holiday box, so I ordered it for Husband. The shipping was estimated to be 4-6 weeks, and it shipped Dec 4, so I was figuring it would show up some time in January.

Finally arrived on Friday. Yep, February 2. Almost a full 2 months.

But on the up side, it was a nice surprise for Husband, arriving home on a stormy afternoon.

And Isabelle enjoyed the box.

Trixie just really enjoys our wool rug.

Anyway, yesterday was -18C, with a wind chill of -30, so we decided not to go out, and put off shopping until today...Which has turned out to be a messy, rainy, snowy day and we have plenty of food to eat so who wants to leave the house anyway?

Last night we had one of our weekly Indian delivery dinners (a local entrepreneur delivers to workers at an office building in our neighborhood where two of our friends work, we got in on it and now he delivers to our house on Friday morning).

 Butter Paneer (Butter Chicken for Husband) and Rainbow Rice.

Slept in until around 8 am this morning, then stumbled out for coffee.

Was not the slightest bit hungry, so just served myself some blackberries to munch on while I relaxed for the morning.

Around 10:30 I decided it was time to get up and get some things done. I threw together a sweet potato and black bean mole (based on this recipe) and then it was noon and I was finally hungry. By this time, we had decided we could get by without going out for groceries today, since the weather is still not great, so I threw together some pasta for myself.

After lunch, some puttering around doing laundry and trying to de-clutter at bit (one of my biggest challenges).

And then I pretty much goofed off for the rest of the day, and I don't feel bad about it. I've been in the computer-gaming mood lately, so I indulged. It will wear off, and then I go back to other things.

Since we didn't end up going out for groceries, we ended up with sausage, eggs and hash browns for dinner. It was not really all that picturesque, so I didn't bother with a photo. It did the job. Now winding down and kind of looking forward to sleepy time (if not to the Monday morning that will follow...).

Can We Start Over? Part 2.

Nothing particularly exciting about yesterday; it was Friday and I was glad.

- JavaChick, Nov 21 2009

I went searching for an old recipe from my blog, and wound up whiling away a bunch of time reading posts from November 2009. Wow. I miss Blogger JavaChick, circa 2009.  I often feel like I have so much less energy than I used to; I've been telling myself I'm probably imagining that, but Nov 2009 JavaChick was getting things done. 

I've said this before, but one of the things I appreciate about blogging is the ability to go back and read old entries. I wish that I kept up with it better; recipes I had forgotten about, pictures of my Fabulous Felines - oh, how I miss them! - and remembering that I actually used to enjoy doing intervals on my treadmill. Honestly, I've never been a person who has a huge amount of energy, but compared to now, that girl seems like a go-getter.

The walk down memory lane was entertaining. The aftermath was a little bit of me thinking: "What's wrong with you? Why can't you be like that again?" 

But that is pointless. What was that New Year's Resolution again? Do the best I can, and don't beat up on myself (paraphrasing). I am feeling better than I was a month ago; I've rested up, the days are getting longer, I've started taking some vitamins and they're kicking in? Either way, things are looking better. So, looking forward...

Immediately after publishing my last post, I thought: "Okay, you've done your venting. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The very next day, I decided it was time to make friends with my treadmill again. and marched downstairs after work...To be confronted with the mess that my workout area has become. 

I had an afternoon off coming to me, so that Friday I took the afternoon and did some cleaning up down in the basement. I find I am always more motivated to go down there when things are at least somewhat tidy. Sadly, I ended up packing away the paintings I've had sitting up on the ledge down there. I put them up last fall I think? They were just leaning against the wall, but I have all these paintings, so I figured I might as well have some where I could see them. 

Then every once in a while I'd go down and find one had been knocked down (climbing felines, you know). Anyway, Isabelle knocked one down while I was down there cleaning up and actually knocked the wood framing a bit out of whack, so the painting is no longer flat. So I put them away, and now it looks bare down there; didn't realize how much of a difference it made until I took them down. I will have to see about putting up some picture hanging hooks.

Any-who, first step accomplished: I can actually access the treadmill. 

Of course, I then proceeded to avoid it until Thursday. I let myself have the rest of January, but now I'm giving myself a kick in the butt. 

We've been having a weird winter. It snows; it turns really freaking cold; it warms up and rains; all the snow disappears...and repeat.  Isabelle thinks she still wants to go outside, but on the cold, snowy days she usually doesn't make it far, or last very long outside.

But for now, the routine is still to come home and at least attempt to take Isabelle outside. Now that I have dug out my treadmill, I will attempt to add in some short walks...Partially to start getting in the habit again, and also because I want to see how my knee holds up. 

I've been doing well with bringing lunches to work, and allowing myself one day a week to buy lunch. I've been getting in my piano practice. We've been keeping the freezer well stocked with things we can come home and defrost for dinner.

Can We Start Over?

Dec 31, 2017
 
I still like my 2017 Resolution:

Keep doing what I know I can do, but do it better, and be kind to myself.

In all honesty, I feel like 2017 kicked my butt. Not that it was necessarily a bad year, but it was extremely busy and left me feeling overwhelmed.

I used most of my vacation time for going places. I feel like I should not complain about this because I know I get a good amount of vacation time - more than many people have available to them - and I really am thankful for that. And we did a lot of fun stuff; they were good trips. But this home-body-introvert likes to save a chunk of vacation time for spending quietly at home, doing her own thing, and she did not get it this year. Work seems to get busier and more stressful all the time. I didn't get to start my December vacation as early as I wanted because of the way project deadlines worked out. I was so desperately looking forward to vacation starting, and then it ended up being busy busy...Things that had to get done, but they weren't my things, not the things that I had been counting on doing....

So I had 3 days of rushing around, wishing I was doing different things, then we went home to visit family and I was probably not in the best frame of mind because I was tired and frustrated. We got delayed coming home because of weather. I was almost in tears on the way home, feeling tired and frustrated still/again. Husband said "Sleep in, tomorrow you will feel better."

I thought: "No I won't. That won't solve anything. I slept plenty while we were home."

Ha. He was right. Ssshhh. Don't tell him I said that....

The bed we were sleeping on while visiting home makes my back hurt. Amazing how much better you can feel after a night sleeping comfortably in your own bed.

I still haven't done the things I wanted to do, and at this point I can't even figure out where to start. I have spent the last two days doing not much. Recovering my equilibrium, I guess. Today I am finally feeling like I want to do things...sort of? It's our anniversary. Hey! Happy 16 years! We are going out to dinner. Early this year, so we will be home in our jammies well before midnight, I am sure. Sounds good to me.

I find myself feeling reflective, and thinking about what I want for the coming year.

There was lots of good stuff. There was lots of stress which is not so good. Things have been changing at work over the years, since our happy little company was acquired by a larger entity. We still have jobs; we have better perks now...But the day to day gets harder and harder. I feel like I need to get a better handle on dealing with stress.

Health-wise; I wish I could turn into an energetic, not tired person...But I don't think that is my physical makeup. That said, there have been some extra challenges with my knee being uncooperative, and I also feel like I need to get a better handle on my eating; I am not eating in the way that makes me feel my best and I need to make some changes there...even if it means I drag Husband along, kicking and screaming all the way.


Jan 21, 2018
...So I started writing this post on Dec 31, walked away to gather my thoughts a bit and here it is, weeks later...I'm not sure my thoughts are gathered yet.

Went back to work on Jan 2nd and jumped right back into craziness and my 'almost feeling like myself again' went back to exhausted.

I feel like I have not accomplished much.

• Still have not made a follow up doctor's appointment about my knee (I did go for x-rays, but need to go back and find out if they showed anything and if there are any next steps).
• I wanted to at least try to start doing some easy yoga, and get back to some short walking breaks at work, since it does seem like my knee is cooperating at the moment.
• I still have bunch of things to tackle at home. It's still hard to know where to start
•  I need to book vacation time and buy a plane ticket for a planned sister vacation this spring.

I don't know....I just feel like I should be doing things but the work week knocks me out and on the weekends I don't want to go anywhere or do much of anything. I suppose this is partly just winter.

So this is kind of a whiny, going nowhere post I guess? Somehow I need to get on the ball, pull up my socks, get my butt in gear and all that jazz.

I started taking B12 a little less that 2 weeks ago. My sister was talking about it, and I looked up the symptoms of B12 deficiency and felt like I was reading about myself. I don't tend to eat much meat, so it is probably something I should to doing. I do think I am feeling a bit better, so we shall see how it goes. When I bought the B12, I happened to see a natural remedy that's supposed to help with stress, so I'm giving that a try. I figure it can't hurt, right?

Thursday night/Friday morning I dreamed about Frank. It's been a while. In my dream, I was not at home, but I had Frank with me. So I was mostly carrying him around and holding him, because I didn't want him to get lost. Frank was always such a satisfying armful of cat. In my dream, I realized that I hadn't seen Frank in a while. I was all confused, trying to figure out why that would be so. Eventually, there was this little voice in my head reminding me: you don't have him anymore. Then I woke up and went and cried in the shower. While it's not weighing down on me the way it was for the first year or so, I do still feel sad when I think of Frank and Zappa, and I have felt it a little more so over the past couple of days.

But it helps to have this snuggly one.

On weekend mornings when I don't have to get up, she likes to come and sleep the extra hour or so with me. I love sleeping in while cuddling a cat.

We had some extremely cold weather for the first part of January. We had some snow. Last weekend it warmed up enough that all the snow was gone and it felt like spring. Isabelle and I enjoyed the interlude.

It snowed again around the middle of last week, it warmed up yesterday and the snow started to melt away a bit. Then colder again today and supposed to snow more starting tomorrow. Mother Nature can't make up her mind.

All about my knees...

This is making me cranky.

• Still afraid to exercise. Walking is even iffy, since I never know when my knee is going to go funny.
• Made a doctor's appointment.
• Have adjusted my chair and keyboard tray at work so that they are in the lowest position and I am trying to sit with my feet flat on the floor (Am very short. Hate sitting down that low. Feel like a child sitting at the grown-up table).
• I am a person with a large shoe collection. Surprisingly, I have very few flat, supportive type shoes that are not casual/athletic looking. Went shoe shopping on the weekend, even though I am the last person one would describe as "in need of new shoes." Bought 2 new pairs of Naots that should be okay with dress trousers (as opposed to jeans). Looked around a lot, and tried on a bunch, but Naots have never let me down in the past. I may also have tried on a pair of Fly London heels because I fell in love with them; they did not have the right size in the store; I then hunted them down online and ordered...Stubbornly optimistic about knee recovery.
• If not exercising, should probably start paying more attention to what I am eating... :(
•  Am now sleeping with a pillow under my knees because it is the only way I can get comfortable. Already had three pillows on my side of the bed (so I can sit comfortably to read before I sleep) which makes Husband shake his head; this brings the total of JavaChick required pillows to four.

 I am to young for this. Right?

One Year

Yesterday was one year since we lost Zappa. One year without my Fabulous Felines. Still sad, in all honesty, but at least I am back to myself (or mostly anyway). Trying not to dwell on it, but it has been popping up in my mind whether I want it to or not. I've been missing Zappa hugs lately; he was really good at that.

My knee, which I thought was getting better, is worse again. Probably my own fault for wearing heels the past two days at work, but I am getting bored wearing the same two pairs of shoes...So still afraid to actually work out. I keep meaning to google 'exercises to strengthen muscles around knee.' Suppose I'm getting to the point where I should maybe see a doctor or something. I just hate going and trying to explain what's wrong.

Definitely starting to feel like fall. Starting to cool off, and I've been noticing it smells like fall; when I take Isabelle out in the yard, I can smell the leaves on the ground, and whiffs of evergreen.

Still, there is my brave little rose bush...

And interesting things to see, now that the leaves have fallen from the trees...

And that's about it for the moment. Short one tonight, it's late and I need to take myself off to bed, but somehow I just needed to post this.

This is why I don't blog much these days...By the time I actually manage to sit down at the computer, it's late and I'm tired, and while I have a vague notion of why I wanted to write a post, I can't seem to put it all together.